Saturday Thoughts & Returning to Instagram

I was starting to write in my diary, my utmost private place for me to be completely free, like I had an audience waiting to read it and that was how I knew I had a problem, that’s how I knew it was changing me. I would find myself with the TV’s sound on simultaneously, phone held to my face as I was hit with visual after visual, words, captions and personas that genuinely would upset me, leave me on my side in my room wishing I had never picked up my phone in the first place.

Moments I could have spent learning a new recipe, finishing one of the many books that were gathering dust, developing my own film with the chemicals I ordered months ago that too were gathering particles, or relearning to sew and knit or moments I should have simply sat down to write my thoughts, plans and poetry were spent wasted. What was left was an unstable mind made more unstable by an app that uses insecurities as fuel. Somehow I was letting myself determine my own worth through the eyes of technology, strangers, friends & family and in an random and wine fueled act surrounded by loved ones the day before Christmas, I deactivated the app and started living in a different way and it’s been such a beautiful and weird time the past weeks. 

Right now in this moment, I’m thankful, grateful and I haven’t felt this bad ass,clear headed or worthy in a long time and I’m going to keep on living but felt good enough and calm enough to check back in and maybe start praising some of the good Instagram  can do and not being so lost in the bad. 

I made a mini pact with myself to not get caught up in the distractions. I don’t have the app on my phone and I’m currently not checking messages or comments which might feel rude considering the community Instagram is building that requires a certain level of engagement and participation in their “economy” but I am pretty focused on the moments in front of me and don’t have the mind to handle that right now so for now, periodic check ins are best while I continue living for me. 

Speaking of living, I’m itching for a road trip and came across some favorites of California. Never thought I’d be homesick for a place I never lived but feel an indescribable connection to.