Holiday Hiding

You’re not a grinch. The holidays have a way of triggering our depression & anxieties which results in moments where we finding ourselves seeking isolation, hiding away while our family and friends soak in the holiday cheer. 

A friend of mine posted something on Thanksgiving day that I felt was extremely brave, honest and relatable. On Instagram in between photos of turkeys and how to talk politics without disowning any of your family members, I found what she had shared to be refreshing. Her words resonated because it spoke of hiding on holidays, how holidays can be sad for some even if you are able to recognize all the good in your life. It filled me with comfort to know I wasn’t the only one that likes to hid on the holidays from the people I love. How sometimes, for no reason at all, a sadness hits me and I need a moment for myself. To reflect on love and loss. To acknowledge all that I have while understanding that there are some things I can never make perfect. Time has passed and people have too.

I can get filled with such guilt and self hate for these thoughts. Why can’t I enjoy these moments without feeling this way? This year in particular has been a whirlwind, a twister, a symphony of noises and shifts. In that moment I recognized how far I have truly come. I have every right to be sad on holidays because I have been through a lot in this life but I also have every right to be ungodly happy because I have so much in this life to be grateful for. I won’t ever apologize for needing a moment to process so I can continue being the best me I can be. 

I can mourn for all who are lonely, sick, hungry, hurting. I am allowed to think of my dad, my cousin, my grandparents, Jake & Davey, my uncle and all my friends and family who has lost loved ones too. I can feel weird eating on this day when I know the truth of its history and what the cost of this day truly means. But those thoughts can accompany genuine laughter and the warmth of a long hug and the passing down of a family tradition or the creation of a new one. I can feel how special life is on these days and that’s probably why I feel this way. That’s why I feel the need to hid. The thoughts come flooding in and I will always need a second or a minute or 25 to sit and regroup. I never again will feel weird about that. I want to learn to embrace this about myself. 

This life works in weird balance. I’ve been saying that a lot to people lately. But the good news is the year is coming to an end and I like to think that the change of seasons and years means we all get a clean slate or the continuation of all the good and a shedding of layers. Who knows what it really means if anything at all but reflection is definitely in the works as the New Years approaches. I don’t know how I will feel a month from now but December deserves a chance too. 

Happy (almost) December. 

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