Happy Clam

Disclaimer: being a happy clam does not mean you are happy or filled with pearls all the time. 

These photos were taken over the last few weeks and are pretty symbolic of my headspace and where I’ve been which has been in a really honest and open place. I’ve been accepting my moods and almost expect them like clockwork tides and it’s been extremely helpful being off Instagram for a month + now. 

Truthfully, I did not expect to take it this far. I said a week, it turned into more and then January 15th is now January 26th and I stopped setting dates because this is really cool that I’m off the app, at least to me and my life. I’ve learned two things since deactivating my account which have left me a bit confused but not very concerned and that is that people either think I had a mental breakdown (which is pretty telling of how I present myself online I guess) or are simply left surprised that someone “like me” could be capable of making a decision like this. Not an exact quote but definitely implied during multiple conversations. 

I think what is meant by this is that for so long, at least the past 2+ years, I’ve relied heavily on Instagram for my work and for being this “brand” I felt I needed to build. Granted, I am no social media star but it feels like being online means being a somebody or presenting that persona. Not only that, I’ve used it as a diary space and taking selfies and being honest about mental health and life can sometimes turn into unintended click bait which leaves me feeling dirty. 

Sewing, reading, finding a skin care routine for my pimp face (yes, I call pimples ‘pimps’ and I’m so sorry and it’s kind of insensitive but it’s a habit I can’t break) and going semi-make up free (I’ve been foundation free for almost a year!!). I feel like all these recent activities of mine are really telling of where I am, rejecting mass consumerism (trying) and influencersim, if that is even a word, and all the marketing ploys that make me feel shitty every day. 

Independent thought (I don’t know if that is really the best word for it) is something I don’t think we as a world encourage often and this next chapter and the upcoming 2019 is my version of living in the way that I feel is best for me and unique & genuine to me. Don’t know if that makes sense, don’t care, it’s Saturday. 

xoxo