Monday Morning Therapy

“Maybe there are ways to speak your truth without being reactive, without causing harm. You’re a fighter.” 

There are ways to be a fighter without all the fight. 

I never really thought of myself as a fighter even when describing my battles over and over again through out the years.  It took a therapy session this morning with my girl Karen to help understand my past and the culture which I come from that often uses aggression and high voices to get points across, a culture that comes from being raised by city folks who were raised by other city folks and immigrants. Even thinking to my father and his own struggles with moods. There are multiple reasons I am the way I am, none of which I ever felt the need to apologize for. 

Friday I was up for 23 hours. It occurred to me when I was standing in the shower at 2:30am how easily and quickly my day passed by me and how it all started at 4am earlier the previous morning. How the nights before this were followed by limited sleep in between 4&5 hours. My mom cracked a joke last week after calling her for work advice. “Welcome to bipolar!” she laughed in a way that only those who know the cold end of my dagger while feeling the warmth inside my heart can laugh and joke. We laughed together and after ending the call, I felt the same way I do now after therapy. Feeling like a fighter, recognizing what I’ve been through to get where I’ve been and to be where I am at now, alive. I forget just how much I’ve had to experience to get here. 

photo description: Taken on a Hasselblad 500 series w/ B&W film from New York, NY Oct 2018.