Goodbyes

It’s astonishing how many times we can find ways to break our own hearts. 

Like, we continue returning to memories and expectations that aren’t reality, can’t be. 

But within the heart break, we find ways to express gratitude and we reach for the silver lining even if we have to draw it ourselves. 

I’ve read somewhere about animals that teach humans how to love and I thought that accurately described my encounters with all my dogs. Each one has opened my heart in abundance but Todd taught me lessons I can’t describe and I feel modestly unashamed saying that he changed my life. As someone with complicated depression (that’s a really nice way of saying I’m unmedicated bipolar II with a tendency to run depressed & anxious), Todd helped me heal and move forward with love in mind. I weirdly found forgiveness in him and in moments of extreme reactions, he was kind of just hanging out waiting for me to calm down so he could sit on me. With him, everything slowed down and I needed that. I got to be crazy, he had his moments but he loved being loved and even more than this, he loved giving love. 

There was a light and warmth in him that made me laugh when I was feeling really sad and made me forget the bad or embarrassing aspects of my day because he was so so silly in the best sense of the word with so many characteristics and attributes that felt like someone crafted them in a writing room of Disney, fitting for a dog whose named was inspired by Fox & The Hound. 

Maybe it was his ginger hair or our need to constantly be hugged and reassured but our connection runs deep and I am beyond thankful he ever found us at all or us him. It was in a time when we needed guidance. God works in beautiful and mysterious and (forgive me), fucked up ways.

As we said our goodbyes, I whispered “thank you” and that still didn’t feel like justice. I mourned so much in that moment, more than just our bond and his physical passing. Goodbyes are never easy. 

Love you booboo

<33333

funny note but Todd hated having his picture taken (LOL because I’m a photographer!!) but in January, I forced him outside for a sunny day photoshoot to capture his freckles after he was healing from his second surgery. 

I was being a stage mom but he was a trooper. I’m really happy we had this day.