Defining Home

“Isn’t it odd how complex the idea of ‘home’ becomes as you get older? How, when we go back to visit, we feel like both a stranger and somehow a part of these places? I was overwhelmed by nostalgia this visit to Colorado. 

When I left PA at 18, I never imagined calling Colorado home and it became one, despite my kicking and screaming. Going back east felt like a homecoming but I left a part of my heart in the west and I’ve been trying to juggle them since. 

I’ve felt weird sharing lately. Protection is funny. It sometimes looks like isolation and neglect. I’ve retreated in sharing both art and thoughts for some time now. I’ve built these walls before. Depression. Part of feeling weird to share on spaces that use to feel so safe to me comes down to being scared to confront my mental health. Sometimes, during huge transitions that test the mind, we push ourselves to get through this, whatever this is and just keeping going, working ourselves into overdrive without question. It’s easy to blame the fatigue on being “busy”, the exhaustion and lack of joy of life due to the fact you know you’re not completely living, excuses that build up and push you further. The sadness, the emotions, the irritability makes sense to you but you don’t question it deeply. 

I admit I turned my back on a lot of people and places since last year. I shared a lot of myself in intimate settings with people I’ve known deeply only to find myself hurt by a series of my expectations being incredibly high and people being people. My two greatest fears are losing touch with reality and letting the world turn me cold and yet I find myself succumbing to them both. ”

- words August 2019, images September 2016

shared November 2020

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